变脸

I took on the role of a face-changing-actor these days. I appear angry, I appear relaxed, I appear happy, I appear tired, I appear to have a good appetite, but inside me, I really felt an unexplained sadness.

I look ahead, I cannot see beyond my five fingers. I look back, I felt like a photographer who could not find a subject to a photo. I soak in the present, I rather let the waves carry me because the more I paddle, the more my torso will ache when I finally realised that I am going nowhere realistic.

I had to lie, sometimes even to myself, so that situations will remain in equilibrium, so that there won't be another concern for people around me, or in simpler terms, I will not be a spoiler. After a lie, I need another several scores of it to cover up. The only truthful claim I could remember I made recent is when I told Sherlyn that I felt extremely depressed whenever she talk about her overseas trip meeting. Onion asked me the factor that is keeping me back from going. I could not answer him, I could not even answer myself (refer to para. 2).

I suddenly think of Emilia - my furry friend who passed on.